How to Take Care of Mom and Live Your Life, Too

Never really ready

Care and maintenance of mom is a situation that never entered my mind when I was younger. Which of us thought about it? Now, it’s mandatory.

As many of you either know from the past, are experiencing now, or will soon begin, this task doesn’t end until your parents’ last breath. My dad passed away in the 1980s, and my mom transitioned in 2024 (years after initially writing this article). It truly was a joy to have her in my life.

It begins suddenly

Helping mom began many years ago (too many to recall) when she said, in a pleading tone:

“I need a doctor.“

She wasn’t sick; she was attempting to maintain good health on her own. The clinic she visited was sub par in attentiveness. Once she told me about the clinic situation, I asked my husband’s doctor, a well-respected physician, to be assist in mom’s care. He agreed.

That was more than 30 years ago, and since then, mom’s health stayed stable but not without frequent appointments. That’s been the most trying for her and me.

If you have siblings that live close by, my hope is that each of you can share in the responsibility. That’s not always possible even if everyone is local. Some siblings, most often men (and this is true in many families), expect women to handle it all. As an exception I have a sister who lived with mom and took care of her household needs. That left me to transport mom to all of her doctors’ visits.

In addition, if you work at any type of employment outside of your home, explaining senior care may be understandable but not agreeable. That might put another weight on your shoulders. Even working for yourself is strained because you have to make money. Traveling to and from a doctor’s office and waiting for the examination and results doesn’t put one dollar in your pocket. However, this care and management must be accomplished.

A tumultuous year

My mom successfully battled a type of blood cancer, elected to receive a new hip, and broke her shoulder. All of that occurred in one year. We visited doctors every week and sometimes every day. In two weeks we saw 12 doctors in four days. After the first week I was frustrated from energy depletion and walked home to relax (I live one mile from her house). I cried out loud before reaching the end of the first block to purge the stress. Crying is my default since I don’t drink or smoke.

Frustration occasionally interrupts the daily fun you want. You twist your internal valve to let off steam in whatever way possible (as long as it’s not harmful to you or others). Crying, sleeping, exercising, walking – do what calms you; do what keeps your health intact so you don’t end up being a patient.

I felt better that evening and well rested the next day. There was another doctor’s visit in a few hours, but my own remedy let me recover.

Prepare for your own future

Managing mom forced me to think about how I’ll handle my healthcare in later years. I’m keeping notes as best as possible so I recall the triumphs while staying clear of the challenges. Here’s what I’m doing along with other tips.

Be ready to complete lots of paperwork.
My ability to fill out doctors’ forms were, to mom, the biggest gift of all next to accompanying her. She frequently stated that she is “allergic to writing down and reading all of that stuff.”

Bring your own pens rather than use the community writing instruments. Make sure you or mom bring all health cards and a list of current medications. Know mom’s social security number. Also, give your phone number to physician assistants as the primary number for questions, follow ups, and appointment confirmations. You are now mom’s manager.

Make appointments at times that are best for you.
Doctors have varying schedules. You do, too, so choose days and times that accommodate you. This probably won’t affect mom, but it can affect your ability to earn a living. Ask the assistant for every possible option (early in the morning, lunch time, late in the day) so appointments are at a time that fit around your schedule.

Arm yourself for good health.
You are touching lots of elevator buttons, doorknobs, countertops, armrests, and other items that the general population also touches. Wear gloves when possible.

Bring your own pens (as mentioned above) and hand sanitizer, cleaning up before you get in your vehicle or open your house door. Your own health will thank you.

Complete a living will.
There are reputable websites, such as this one, with links to this document for every U.S. state. It notifies everyone about mom’s medical wishes in case she cannot speak for herself. Find it, print it, read it, and have mom sign it after reviewing the document with her. Your doctor will help you with other necessary signatures.

There are, of course, other documents to complete depending on health and financial circumstances.

Mom and I completed the living will before her hip surgery, and I am relieved to have done it.

Stay active on the go.
I bring work with me because I will not allow the doctor’s waiting room time to shorten my personal or professional progress. I read my magazines and other papers, review what I’ve done and what else I’ll accomplish before day’s end, write articles or sign greeting cards before depositing it at the post office, etc. Your work will be different. Bring it, get it done, use the time wisely.

Select a smartphone app for health documentation.
I’ve been using Google Keep to write down all of the details (visits, treatments, medications, insurance). Google Keep is great for all types of lists, but it’s not a true medical app. Choose whichever app is best for you.

If smartphone apps aren’t for you, search for a medical-type diary book for writing notes or another item that you can customize. There’s no need for anything fancy; you simply want to create and maintain health documentation.

Honor your mom while she’s here and needs support. Learn from the experience so you have the knowledge to take care of yourself in the coming years.

©ShirleyGeorgeFrazier. All rights reserved.

Originally published in 2016.